Marriage:

Most of the couples who come to me have been quietly (or not so quietly) putting up with an unhappy marriage for quite some time, thinking it would get better.  But it doesn’t. That’s because sharing a life together is hard, and there are many parts to it.  Some parts may still work.  But others (often the most intimate) have been falling apart for awhile.  By the tim you come to me, there is usually a build-up of disappointment, hurt, and anger.

Can therapy help?  Yes, maybe.  If love is still there between you, there’s a very good chance.  I help you solve the tough issues.  I help you learn to communicate with honesty and caring, even when it’s hard and angry stuff. The goal is to help you find a new perspective, learn to take things less seriously and laugh with each other again.

Infidelity:

Even this most painful transgression in a marriage can be healed.  Although our impulse is to blame and feel despairingly hurt or to feel guilty and defensive, couples can survive this breach wiser and more mature than before.  I have found that what was often missing in the relationship before the infidelity was connection and communication about real things — your feelings, wants, frustrations, your self-esteem, insecurities, resentments.  The two of you were lonely.  The status quo was ruling, and the elephant was in the room.  No one was saying anything.  I find that once couples start saying what they feel they can start listening to and comforting one another.  It’s a game changer.  Generally, it’s a better game than ever before. After all, we’re only human, and marriage is a work always in process.

The elephant can actually push you closer together.

Pre-Marital Counseling:

This is one of the smartest investments you can make as a couple.  Whether it’s a first marriage or second (or third, for that matter), having a format for talking about expectations and hopes for the life you want to create together will help you get to know each other better and avoid many possible future potholes.

When you think about it, the template for a marriage that you know best is probably your parents’ marriage.  It might be a great template for you but maybe not for the person you are marrying, who has a different template.  And besides, you deserve your own unique marriage.

The couples I see talk about all sorts of assumptions they never considered worth questioning until we opened them up for discussion.  Assumptions around holidays, extended families, division of labor, children, money, work, friends, play, where you will live; there are many issues to blend into one life.

So, as you plan your wedding and your honeymoon, invest long-term.  If you have a pretty good idea of what you both want, you are much more likely to get there.

Family Therapy:

When I see families in therapy, I know there will be a lot of information, emotions, and roles being played out. I look at a family as an organism. Individual members play a role in order to keep the organism functioning.  In a healthy family, the individual members are thriving.  In a troubled family, people are forced to distort themselves in order to serve the needs of the family.

I, as do many therapists, use a “Systems Approach” to treating families.  Family therapy is brief, a few months at most, with sessions lasting 1.5 hours.  The entire family may participate in these sessions, or I may ask for individual members or combinations of members.  I give people homework — specific ways for them to handle situations differently, to stop old and harmful patterns and try out new ones.

I like the quote from Michael J. Fox, from the old “All in the Family” sitcom, “Family is not an important thing.  It’s everything.”  If your family is in pain, there is nothing more important than healing it.